A Harry Potter Christmas Carol
by Scherzi
Summary: Dumbledore has an idea to build school unity, but will it work? Rated T for pure stupidity. Snape's the star, and it's written in the format of a play.
1. Cast and Introduction

Oh, my. I've finally finished. I've been working on this story since Junior High, and it took my 5 years to finish... Well...I don't own Harry Potter or A Christmas Carol, and I deeply apologize to JKR and Charles Dickens for this... :D I've provided a cast listing, just for your information. It's pretty well explained in the actual play, though.

**Cast:**

Director: Dumbledore

Narrators: Harry and Hermione

Scrooge: Snape

Mr. Cratchit: Mr. Weasley

Mrs. Cratchit: Mrs. Weasley

Cratchit Kids: Weasley Kids

Tiny Tim: Dennis Creevey

Fred: Fred

Fred's Wife: Angelina Johnson

Ghosts:

Past: McGonagall

Present: Hagrid

Future: A Random Dementor

Little Scrooge: Draco Malfoy

Little Scrooge's Sister: Ginny

Young Adult Scrooge: Marcus Flint

Belle: Penelope Clearwater

Ignorance: Colin Creevey

Want: Ginny (again)

Marley: Karkaroff

Donation People: Fudge and Crouch

Fezziwig: Bagman

Carolers: Neville, Seamus, Dean, Pavarti, Padma, Lavender, Voldemort

**Introduction**:

The Great Hall resounded with the noise of students talking, owls screeching, and the general chaos that occurred when gathering that many people into a room at one time. Albus Dumbledore stood calmly in front of the crowd, and with a wave of his hand, silenced the mass of people.

"As you all know, I've gathered us here to promote a greater sense of inter-House unity," the old man began. As he spoke, several food items flew between the Hogwarts Houses' tables, striking various people.

"I feel that the yearly competitions between each of the Houses have divided us as a school, and so, I have devised a plan to unite us once more."

Dumbledore began handing out a stapled stack of papers to several students and teachers, and there was a general grumble about having to do more work.

"No, no!" the Headmaster chuckled, a smile stretching across his face. "This is the script for a play, based on A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. We will improvise the story now, and you should consider these lines to be more of a rough guide than an actual script that must be followed. Be creative, and together, we will produce a finished masterpiece. Only teamwork and cooperation will allow us to accomplish this! Now!" Dumbledore, finished passing out the scripts, grinning even more broadly, knowing that this was going to be a great success. He settled himself offstage, close enough to the actors to gently help them along should they get stuck.

"Let us begin!"

**Author's Note**: WILL Dumbledore's plan work? Or will it go HORRIBLY AWRY? Read MORE to find out...


	2. Scene 1: The Beginning of the End

Scene 1: Beginning of the End

-On a raised platform in the Great Hall, bedecked with props and scenery, stands Harry Potter, holding his script and looking slightly nervous. Slytherins mutter among themselves and several boo him. Dumbledore smiles kindly, and motions for him to begin the play-

Harry: Karkaroff- I mean... MARLEY, was dead.

-There is a pause in which Harry sighs and rifles through his script-

Harry: Okay. This goes on for three rambling, useless pages about how Kar- err...Marley was dead as a doornail. Uh...But doornails aren't alive in the first place, so, therefore, they can't be dead...

Dumbledore: Yes, yes ,yes. We don't have to follow the exact script. Just continue. You're doing fine.

Harry: Ok. (Crumples paper and tosses it over his shoulder) Once upon a time, there was a dude named Scrooge. He was really grumpy and stingy all the time. In fact, he acted a lot like Snape...

Snape: POTTER! That's a detention for you!

Hermione: You can't give detentions now...you're Scrooge. Remember what Dumbledore said...

Snape: What IS this? A PROFFESSOR can't even give a detention to an ignorant, self-absorbed-

Dumbledore: DUDE! Stop your whining! Get back to the story!

Harry: We haven't even STARTED the story...

Dumbledore: ...well, then...err. TIME FOR SCENE TWO!


	3. Scene 2: SCENE 2!

Scene Two: SCENE TWO!

-Snape walks along a busy street in London, stopping at a door with a sign over the entrance, reading, "Scrooge and Marley's Working Place...Thingy". He enters the building. Apparently, Dumbledore has made some pretty impressive props.-

Snape: MR. CRATCHIT! YOU'RE LATE!

-Mr. Weasley (Cratchit) looks up from his desk.-

Mr. Weasley: You're late, stupid, not me. I was already here.

Snape: ...oh...right...that line comes later...(shuffles through his script and points at a line) See! There it is!

Mr. Weasley: Uh huh...

Snape: GET BACK TO WORK!

Mr. Weasley (Obviously trying to get the story back on track): Well...err...I would, Mr. Scrooge, but it's quite cold in here. Perhaps I should put a bit more coal in the fire...

Snape: No, Mr. Weas- Cratchit. Coal costs money. I need the money. NOT THE COAL COMPANY! MOOONEEEY!

-Snape runs to his safe, wrenches it open, and begins to eat the money.-

Dumbledore: NO NO NO!!! FOLLOW THE SCRIPT!

Snape: But...I was getting into it! I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB! AND YOU SAID NOT TO USE THE SCRIPT!

Dumbledore: You know the basic storyline of A Christmas Carol, don't you?

Snape: ...yes...

Dumbledore: You don't have to use the exact script. Improvise...get into it...but don't eat the props!

Snape (hanging his head sadly): Okay...

Mr. Weasley (cold and stuttering, icicles hanging off of his face and glasses): P-please Mr. S-scrooge, t-the fire's d-dying...

Snape (waves script in the air): He said not to use this, right?

Mr. Weasley (no longer acting): Well...

Snape: Good.

-He throws the script into the fire, which immediately warms the room.-

Mr. Weasley (icicles melt): Err... Thank you, Mr. Scrooge...I guess...

-The two men work in silence for a few moments, but soon singing is heard outside-

Snape: What the bloody...

-He rushes to the door to find Neville, Dean, Seamus, Pavarti, Padma, Lavender, and Voldemort, the carolers. Snape stands in the doorway, obviously stupefied by all of this Christmas spirit. The carolers, confused, mess up their song.-

Dumbledore (very stressed): NO NO NO!!! SHUT UP! STOP! (then, to Voldemort) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!

Voldemort (points to Neville): HE messed up!

Neville: Did not!

Voldemort: DID TOO!

Neville: DID NOT!

-Neville kicks the Dark Lord in the shin and takes off. Voldemort runs down the street after him, screaming profanity. Dumbledore puts his face in his hands-

Snape (throws a bucket of water on the other carolers): GO AWAY!

-He slams the door.-

Snape: Get back to work, Mr. Cratchit. You need to make me MONEY!

Mr. Weasley (grumbles to himself): Whatever...err... Mr. Scrooge?

Snape: What do you want?

Mr. Weasley: You...you surely won't work tomorrow. Will you?

Snape: Why shouldn't I? Work means money and money means happiness. Why should I deny myself happiness? HMM?

Mr. Weasley: It's Christmas, Mr. Scrooge! We need to be home with our families!

Snape: Yes...especially one as large as yours...I mean, seriously, dude...what the hell were you THINKING? Your wife should be THANKING me for keeping you HERE and off of HER for so many hours! REALLY!

-Weasley is speechless-

Snape: And besides! I have no family...MONEY is my FAMILY!!!

-Before Snape can begin to eat the props once more, there is a knock at the door. He opens it to find Crouch and Fudge, the semi-random men who try to pry Scrooge's precious money out of his cold, frugal clutches-

Fudge: Good day, Mr. Scrooge!

Snape: MONEY!

Crouch: Err...yes...well, that is what we are asking for. Many people are in need of your help, especially at this time of year. You see-

Snape: NO! MONEY! MINE! NOT YOURS!

-He slams the door in their faces-

Mr. Weasley: You know, you really should have-

Snape: SHUT UP! GET BACK TO WORK!

-There is yet another knock at the door-

Snape: Who the hell is it?!

-Fred Weasley walks in-

Fred: Merry Christmas!

Snape: Who the hell are you?

Fred: Fred.

Snape: I know! I meant, what CHARACTER do you play?

Fred: I'm Fred.

Snape: What character do you play?

Fred: Fred. I'm FRED!

Snape: I KNOW! WHAT CHARACTER DO YOU PLAY!?

Fred: I AM FRED!

Snape: I KNOW that boy! I can't act with you if I don't know which character you play!

Mr. Weasley: He's Fred!

Snape: AARGH!

Fred: I play your nephew, Fred!

Snape: You ain't my nephew! That would make HIM my brother!

-Snape points to Mr. Weasley, who shudders at the thought-

Dumbledore: GET BACK TO THE PLAY!

Fred: Err...okay. Uncle Scrooge, I've come to invite you to Christmas dinner at my house! My wife and I will be happy to have you over. Do you want to come? It's Christmas, after all...

Snape: Christmas? Bah humbug!

Fred: Christmas, a humbug, uncle?

Snape: Well, DUH! I hate Christmas! All that holly and mistletoe! ROOOAAAR! I'd rather have a twig of holly stuck through my heart, be boiled in Christmas pudding, or die any other horrible Christmas-themed death than celebrate the holidays with YOU! GET OUT!

-Snape throws Fred outside and slams the door for what seems like the millionth time-

Mr. Weasley: ...whoa.

Hermione (narrator): And with that, old Mr. Scrooge goes home. Let's see what happens...


	4. Scene 3: The Return of MARLEY!

Scene 3: The Return of MARLEY

-Snape hobbles down the road to his home, muttering oaths under his breath. He reaches his door, and looks up at the knocker, which has transformed to resemble Marley/Karkaroff's face-

Karkaroff (in a creepy, quavering voice): _Snaaaaaaaaape_...I mean..._Scroooooooooge..._.

Snape:...What have I been smoking?

-Snape goes into his home-

Snape: Ah, yes. Now I will sit and eat my stupid, disgusting gruel.

-He sits in front of his fireplace with a bowl of mushy grey stuff-

Snape: Eeeew. Do I _really _have to eat this crap?

Dumbledore: Yes. Don't be a baby.

Snape: It looks like poop.

-He eats his gruel...and then...clucking is heard on the stairs-

Snape: ...uh oh...

-Karkaroff, who, despite the fact that he is PLAYING a ghost, is not a ghost. He busts through the locked door, sending splinters everywhere-

Karkaroff: OW OW OW! ...okay. _Snaaaa_- DAMN! ..._Scroooooge_...

Snape (wets himself): ...Marley! But you're...you're...

Karkaroff: DEAD! _Yessss_... And I've come to _warn_ yoooou!

Snape: Of what?

Karkaroff (continues in creepy, quavering voice): _Yoooouuu_...are such a cheap _aaaaaaasshole_ that _yoooou_ will have a chain even longer than _mine _when you die...In fact...your chain was as_ long_ and _PONDEROUS _as MINE IS NOW the day I died. Since then, you have been laboring away on _yours_, figuratively speaking, of course...making it ever _longer_!

-Karkaroff points to a long, burdensome chain that is fastened painfully around his legs-

Snape: Okay...But we skipped the part where I deny your existence.

Karkaroff: We did? Err. Let's do that now, then.

Snape: ...Okay...err...YOU DON'T EXIST! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU CAN'T EXIST!

Karkaroff: YES I CAN!

Snape: Okay, then.

Karkaroff: Anyway, I have come to warn you! To help you save your soul! You will be visited by three spirits at certain times that I unfortunately can't remember at the moment. OH WELL! See ya!

-Karkaroff exits via the window. But the audience is immediately reminded that he is not a ghost, as he falls out instead of gliding away. Snape, slightly disturbed, goes to bed-


	5. Scene 4: The Ghost of Christmas Past

Scene 4: The Ghost of Christmas Past

-Snape, sound asleep in his bed, mumbles to himself and rolls over, drooling slightly. McGonagall, who is apparently not happy about being forced into an inane play, marches up to his bedside and hits him over the head with a large, metal, cone-shaped object, an extinguisher-cap. This, of course, wakes him immediately-

Snape: OW, DAMN IT! WHAT WAS THAT!?!

McGonagall: Me! I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, come to show you how badly you have wasted your life. Now, follow me.

-Snape and McGonagall leave the bedroom and find themselves in Snape's (Scrooge's) past-

Snape: Hey! I know where we are! My old school!

McGonagall: Yes. Here we are. And there YOU are.

-She points to a young boy, played by Draco Malfoy, who is sitting all alone in a classroom. Snape presses his nose against the glass, peering inside-

Snape: I remember...I had no friends...just the imaginary ones I invented by reading so much... I remember all of them. I wish I had had REAL friends back then. The only person who spoke to me was my little sister.

McGonagall (half-listening): Yeah, you really were a loser, huh?

Snape: Well...

-Before he can answer, Young Scrooge's sister, played by Ginny Weasley, enters the classroom and approaches the desk where her "brother" is sitting reading.-

Snape: Here's my little sister now! My only real friend. She loved me with all her heart.

-Ginny hits Draco in the face-

Ginny: Brother, you are a failure and father does not love you.

-She walks away, leaving Draco unconscious-

Snape: ...

McGonagall: Well...that was an easy way of finishing off this scene. Scrooge, I will now take you to a Christmas party at your very first job.

-The scene fades and is replaced by an indoor party.-

Snape (points to Bagman, who is apparently the host): There's old Fezziwig, my boss. He was pretty cool.

McGonagall: Yes, he actually let his employees have Christmas off, unlike SOME people...

Snape: I can't help that he was a bit senile.

McGonagall (smacks herself in the forehead): You aren't getting it, are you?

Snape: Getting what?

McGonagall: The WHOLE POINT of me showing you all this stuff. Well, perhaps you'll understand after this NEXT Christmas... Besides, my time is running out, thank God.

-The scene melts again and is replaced by a snowy scene in a park. A young couple is sitting on a bench, talking-

Snape: HEY! There's me again! Only older this time...and that's Belle, my old girlfriend. She's hot, huh?

McGonagall (shuddering): Eew. Let's just listen in, shall we?

-Penelope Clearwater, playing Belle, is talking to Young Adult Scrooge, played by Marcus Flint. She's not happy-

Penny: Do you mean to tell me that you love MONEY MORE THAN ME?!

Marcus: No! That's not true! I've just grown older! Wiser!

Penny: You DO love money more than me! You bastard! YOU BASTARD!

-She kicks Marcus. Hard. He cowers as she continues to pummel him. Percy Weasley's cheering is heard from offstage-

Penny: I hope you're happy, asshole!

-Penelope storms away, leaving Marcus sobbing on the ground and Percy still cheering in the crowd. The rest of the audience stares at the stage, dumbstruck-

Snape: Holy shit. I forgot how badly I got beaten that day. Silly Belle. Can't she see that money is the ultimate form of happiness?

McGonagall (turning to face Snape, incredulous): Scrooge, you nitwit! You gave up the love of your life for MONEY!

Snape: But MONEY is the love of my life.

McGonagall (exasperated): Ok, then. Screw YOU, screw the next SCENE, screw this WHOLE PLAY! This is the most idiotic thing I've EVER been involved in! I mean, YOU'RE NOT FEELING ANY SORT OF REMORSE AT ALL! What kind of heartless bastard ARE YOU?! Why am I even-

-She is cut off when Snape grabs the spirit's extinguisher-cap, pushes it over her head, and punts her offstage.-

Snape: That dumb spirit just doesn't get it! Can't she see that money is the greatest thing EVER? Really, now!

-With the spirit gone (well, sort of. McGonagall is lying in a crumpled, unconscious heap in the crowd), the park scene falls away and Scrooge's bedroom comes into sight again-

Snape: Well, I'm pooped! I just hope those other two spirits have something worthwhile to show me. That first one was just boring!

-Snape falls asleep again-


	6. Scene 5: The Ghost of Christmas Present

Scene 5: The Ghost of Christmas Present

-Snape, asleep in his bed once more, is awakened by the sound of munching coming from his kitchen. He rushes downstairs and is horrified to find...Hagrid, the Ghost of Christmas Present, raiding his refrigerator-

Snape: OH MY MONEY! Who the HELL ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU RAIDING MY FRIDGE?

-Hagrid turns to face Snape, munching on a large chicken drumstick-

Hagrid: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, come to show you how badly you are wasting your life!

Snape: ...okay...

Hagrid: And I am raiding your fridge, which really should not exist in this time period, simply because I am hungry.

Snape: But ghosts don't eat.

Hagrid: That's just too bad. And would it KILL you to stock your fridge with food other than gruel?

Snape: ...uh...

Hagrid: Now, COME!

-Hagrid picks Snape up and whisks him away, carrying him to the Cratchit's house. They enter, invisible, and station themselves in the corner of the kitchen. The whole Cratchit family is there, except for Mr. Cratchit (Weasley).

Snape: Holy shit! There's even MORE kids here than I thought! What was that Cratchit-guy THINKING? Oh my LORD!

Hagrid: Shut up! You must watch this...and LEARN!

-Mr. Weasley enters a moment later-

Mr. Weasley: Hello, you all!

Ginny: Dad! You're home! How was work?

Mrs. Weasley: Yes, how _was _work? Did that stingy boss of yours give you Christmas off?

Mr. Weasley: Nope. Of course not. It was a typical day...although he DID eat some of his money today...

George: What a freak.

Mrs. Weasley: Well, we'd best settle down to dinner.

-The family gathers around the table, and Mr. Weasley proposes a toast-

Mr. Weasley (holding up a mug of cider): A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless us!

Dennis Creevey (as Tiny Tim): God bless us, every one!

-Snape notices Tiny Tim's sickly appearance, as well as his deformed leg and crutch-

Snape (pointing at Dennis): Hey, is that little dude going to die?

Hagrid: If these shadows remain unchanged by the Future, the child will die.

Snape: Oh, well. Them's the breaks. But hey, I think I've LEARNED SOMETHING!

Hagrid (enthusiastically): Really? Have us spirits finally gotten through to you? YES! What have you learned?

Snape: I have learned to LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! If Tiny Tim dies, at least those poor Cratchits will have one less person's stuff to pay for, which means they have more MONEY to go around! See!

-Hagrid, whose momentary hope was terribly smashed, massages his temples in impatience-

Hagrid: Let's just get a move on, shall we?

-The next stop on the Ghost of Christmas Present's trip was the home of Scrooge's nephew, Fred, played by Fred. Snape and Hagrid arrive, once again stationing themselves in a corner. Fred and his wife, played by Angelina Johnson, are having a party, and are currently playing a fun, appropriate party game-

Fred: Right foot on RED!

-In front of him, a tangle of people all attempt to place their right foot on large red dots on a white mat, which also has various other colors of dots-

Snape: TWISTER?!

Hagrid: Yup.

Fred: Left hand to BLUE!

-The tangle of people giggles and falls in a heap. After laughing heartily, they all get up, and seat themselves around the sitting room. Fred stands and holds up a glass of wine, proposing a toast-

Snape: ANOTHER toast? Is that all people can do around here? Toast stuff?

Hagrid: SHUSH! You still must listen, and LEARN DAMN IT!

Fred (still holding up his glass): To my uncle, Scrooge, who unfortunately couldn't be here today!

Angelina: WHAT? Your uncle? Why the heck would you propose a toast to HIM? He's nothing but a big, cheap, antisocial freak with absolutely no life except for making his beloved money.

Snape: How DARE you talk about me and my money that way! WE WERE MEANT TO BE!

Hagrid: Quiet! Listen to what your nephew says next.

Fred: Now, now! I know he may seem like a niggardly, selfish nut job, but I just know he has goodness and love in his cold, shriveled heart!

Snape: Yeah! Love...for MONEY!

Hagrid: Oh, man...erm...NEXT SCENE!

-this time, Snape is taken to a dirty, poor part of town. Hobos abound, and everyone looks cold, sickly, and starving-

Snape: Eew. Look at all these people! Look at how poor they are! Ha! Dumb people... Don't they want to make money?

Hagrid: They CAN'T make money, you moron! The rich have made them poor. YOU have made them poor...

Snape: No I haven't! I've just made money for MYSELF; I haven't prevented THEM from anything! Sheesh! It's not my fault they're just dumb hobos.

Hagrid:...Ok. I wasn't going to do this, but I have NO other choice! You ASKED FOR IT!

-Hagrid sweeps open his cloak to reveal emaciated-looking Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey, who immediately gasp for breath, looking rather psychologically scarred. Snape FREAKS OUT!-

Snape: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE THEY DOING UNDER YOUR CLOAK! You SICKO! YOU SICKO! Spirit...are they YOUR'S?!?!

Hagrid: NO! They're not mine. The boy is Ignorance and the girl is Want. They are merely PERSONIFICATIONS OF EVILS to help you LEARN that your stingy ways are FREAKING WRONG! Now...LEARN!

Snape:...Wrong? Money is INFALLIBLE!

Hagrid:...Ok...I'm leaving now.

-The Spirit of Christmas Present vanishes, and Snape finds himself back in his bedroom.-

Snape (getting into bed): Man, I had hoped that the second spirit would be more useful, but I guess not. Dumb ghost. Well, there's one more to go. Perhaps with that spirit's help I'll finally understand the reason they're here...They keep telling me to learn something, but all I see are ways my life is better because of MONEY! Money, you've never failed me. I love you...


	7. S 6: The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

Scene 6: The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

-Snape, asleep AGAIN, suddenly awakens cold and trembling. At the foot of his bed stands a dark figure, nearly 10 feet in height. It wears a black hooded cloak that billows around its skeletally thin frame, despite the fact that there is no wind. The figure's very presence sucks the warmth and life out of the air. Snape stares at it in horrified awe, and stammers his next sentence-

Snape: W-w-who a-are you? The th-third s-sp-spirit?

-The THING slowly nods, and then holds up a hastily written sign. It reads:

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, and I have come to show you how badly you WILL waste your life."

The figure then beckons to Snape, and they both leave the house and walk down the dark, dank street-

Snape: Spirit...where are we going? What have you to show me?

-The Ghost says nothing, but points to the village center, where there are groups of people, selling items and haggling. Snape is directed to one tent, in which several people are arguing over some items, all the while insulting the dead man who once owned them-

Snape: Ridiculous! Have they no respect for the man who has died? It's absolutely...wait a moment...that robe looks like mine...and that curtain...and that pair of flowered undies! These are all MY THINGS! SPIRIT! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!

-The Ghost merely points to a graveyard, which Snape enters and walks around, looking at the headstones. He hears footsteps, and ducks behind a tall grave marker. Cratchit (Weasley) comes into view, sobbing and carrying a very small crutch. He kneels, and places the crutch at the foot of a small headstone-

Weasley: Oh, Tiny Tim! We miss you so...if only you had lived! If only you had been somehow indirectly saved by Mr. Scrooge suddenly and mysteriously changing his frugal ways!

-Snape, utterly freaked out, begins to run, but he trips and falls at the base of large, ominous headstone. He looks up and screams, for written upon it are the words:

"Here lies Ebenezer Scrooge, a selfish, cheap jackass"-

Snape: No no NO! Spirit! SHOW ME NO MORE! I WISH TO SEE NO MORE! TAKE ME HOME! I'LL CHANGE THIS BLEAK FUTURE! I SWEAR IT ON ALL THE MONEY I POSESS!!!


	8. Scene 7: A Changed Man

Scene 7: A Changed Man

-Snape stands, and realizes he is back in his bedroom. Morning sunlight creeps through the curtains. Bewildered, he throws open the window and calls to a young boy, who is passing by-

Snape: HEY! You there! What day is it?

Boy: Today? Why, it's Christmas Day, you nut job! What other day could it possibly be?

Snape:...the Spirits...they did it...all in one night...and...I think...I LEARNED SOMETHING!

-Snape runs down the street, still in his pajamas, and sees his nephew Fred walking back to his house with party favors-

Snape: Fred! FRED!

Fred: What?

Snape: I'm not coming to your dinky little dinner party. I'm going to WORK!

-Snape runs away, laughing and yelling, "I'VE LEARNED, SPIRITS, I'VE LEARNED!". He soon arrives at his workplace, and upon entering, opens the safe and takes a big, happy whiff-

Snape: HELLO MY MONEY! HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE DAY?

-Mr. Cratchit (Weasley) enters, and gapes at Scrooge (err...Snape), talking to his money-

Weasley: Mr...Scrooge?

Snape: Mr. Cratchit! YOU'RE LATE!

Weasley: I'm sorry, Mr. Scrooge. It's only once a year, after all, and I was making rather merry last night...

Snape: With that wife of yours? You know, your house is already overpopulated enough...

Weasley:...err..yes...well. I'm terribly sorry, sir. It won't happen again...

Snape: No...it won't happen again...because I've decided to...

-Weasley waits with a terrified look on his face-

Snape:...LOWER YOUR SALARY!!!

Weasley: NOOO! How could you do this! I have so many children at home!

Snape: That's not my fault; it's yours. Well, I suppose your wife had a hand in it, too...

Weasley: How could you be so HEARTLESS?!

Snape: Heartless? HEARTLESS?! Cratchit, let me tell you something. If I have learned ANYTHING from the three strange spirits that visited me, it is this: there is not enough love going around, and at Christmas especially. So, I've become more loving towards the thing I value most in life: MONEY! And really, isn't MONEY and materialism the ONLY things that matter at Christmas?

-Curtain close. Harry, the narrator, walks onto the stage, mortified at the play's outcome-

Harry (sweating profusely): Err...AND SO, Mr. Scrooge...err...didn't change at all. Cratchit and his family remained poor, Tiny Tim died, and err...Scrooge did too, but he was an old man already, so it wasn't like it was a HUGE tragedy or anything. And so...err...as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!

-He grins sheepishly. A random Slytherin throws a handful of mashed potato, which hits Harry in the face, and the Hogwarts students soon erupt into a full-scale food fight. Dumbledore remains in his chair, staring blankly at the stage, and places his face in his hands-

The End :D

**A.N:** A big thanks to my buddies, especially Jax, who helped me cast the characters 5 years ago. I hope you enjoyed the stupidity, so REVIEW! Please. :)


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